Zoned The Podcast
Zoned
The Podcast
ZONED – Episode 4:
"You Made Me a Bridesmaid??"
[Opening Jingle]
Reese:
Welcome back to ZONED, where we keep your heartbreak entertaining and your friend-zoning unforgettable. I’m Reese—
Toni:
—and I’m Toni, your emotionally confused co-host. And today’s episode is one for the guestbook.
Reese:
The wedding guestbook.
Toni:
Ooh, that transition was smoother than the bride’s dress. Today’s story comes from Erica in Pittsburgh, who got—ready for it—zoned at a wedding rehearsal dinner. Buckle in.
📞 Caller: Erica (excited, slightly mortified)
So I’ve been friends with this guy, Alex, since college. Everyone always said we were “basically married,” and we kinda leaned into it—running errands together, calling each other “babe” ironically, all that mess.
Reese:
Mm-hmm, classic pre-rom-com energy. Proceed.
Erica:
Right? So his little sister’s getting married, and I get a text from him: “Need a favor. Don’t hate me.” I think I’m about to help him write a speech. Instead, I show up, and the bride hands me a satin robe and says, “So excited you’re joining the bridesmaid squad!”
Toni:
Wait. He made you a bridesmaid?! That’s not a favor, that’s an ambush!
Erica:
RIGHT?! And I was the only non-family member. I’m standing there between his cousin and his sister-in-law, confused in a lilac dress.
Reese:
Did you at least get a cute pic for Instagram?
Erica:
Oh yeah. We looked like a J.Crew cult. But here’s the kicker—during the dinner, he gives this heartfelt speech. Says how much he loves me… like a sister. Says I’ve “always been there, like family,” and I literally choked on a breadstick.
Toni:
He friend-zoned you in a toast?! That’s not a speech, that’s an emotional mugging!
Erica:
And then, just to make sure the dagger twisted, he ended with, “Any guy would be lucky to have her.” And turned to toast the actual bride and groom.
Reese:
Girl, I just whispered “no he didn’t” out loud in the studio. I need to lie down.
Toni:
I need to go find Alex and toss rice at him aggressively.
[Segment: “Should’ve Seen the Signs”]
Reese:
Let’s rewind: Alex calling you “babe” was already a danger zone. When someone ironic-babes you, it’s a gamble. Either you're in love or you're in sitcom reruns.
Toni:
Also, being the only non-family member in a bridal party is a trap door in heels. That’s not a role, that’s a position of miscommunication.
[Mini Call-in – Listener Question]
📞 Caller: Jaden from Tulsa
If a guy texts “you’d be my dream girl if I wasn’t your friend,” what does that mean?
Reese:
It means he’s emotionally constipated and needs fiber in the form of accountability.
Toni:
Or therapy. Or both.
[Closing Segment: “Zoned and Dangerous”]
Reese:
Erica, thanks for calling and proving that the friend zone can show up anywhere—even in monogrammed robes.
Toni:
Next time, RSVP with a boundary. And maybe don’t show up without a plus-one named Self-Worth.
Reese:
Join us next week on ZONED, where another caller finds out what happens when a “study buddy” turns into a ghost writer... literally.
Toni:
Until then—stay delusional, but make it self-aware.
[Closing Jingle]
“You’re in the Zoooooone… the Friend Zoooooone…” 🎶
🎙️ ZONED – Episode 5: “He Took Me to Paris… and Brought a Date”
[Opening Jingle]
Toni:
Welcome back to ZONED, the podcast where romantic potential goes to get ghosted, toasted, and emotionally composted.
Reese:
I’m Reese, the friend you secretly liked until I dated your nemesis.
Toni:
And I’m Toni, the human version of that text you overanalyze at 2 a.m.
Reese:
Today’s episode is titled “He Took Me to Paris… and Brought a Date.” You’re not ready. I wasn't ready. The croissants weren't ready.
📞 Caller: Rachel from Phoenix (angry-laughing)
Rachel:
Okay so… I’ve known Leo since high school. We've traveled together, road-tripped, crashed weddings, nearly died ziplining—it’s a whole thing.
Toni:
That's either true love or an indie rom-com starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Rachel:
So, he says he’s going to Paris for work and says, “You’ve always wanted to go, come with me. It'll be magical.” I'm thinking, this is it. Finally. Bonjour, happily ever after.
Reese:
Oh no. The French setup. I smell a trap baguette coming.
Rachel:
I pack, I wax, I prep. We land. It’s gorgeous. We’re at a café near the Eiffel Tower and BAM—this girl shows up in a red trench coat.
Toni:
STOP. Not the cinematic entrance!
Rachel:
He stands up, kisses her on both cheeks like we’re in a Netflix drama, and says, “Rachel, this is Camille. I wanted you two to meet.”
Meet. His. Girlfriend.
Reese:
I'm calling Interpol.
Toni:
And I’m calling your inner child to give her a hug.
Rachel:
The worst part? Camille was NICE. Like… “Do you want to split the crème brûlée?” nice.
Toni:
No! You never split dessert with the woman living your dream!
🎯 [Segment: "Red Flag or French Flag?"]
Reese:
He invites you to Paris “just you two” style—that's not friendship, that’s foreshadowing.
Toni:
Unless he says the phrase “team bonding,” assume romantic vibes are implied at takeoff.
Reese:
Also, if his girlfriend shows up in a trench coat unannounced, that’s not hospitality. That’s emotional sabotage in a beret.
📞 [Mini Call-in – “Quick Zone”]
Caller: Ty from Seattle
She introduced me to her friends as “my emotional support human.”
Reese:
Zoned. Certified. Gift-wrapped.
Toni:
You’re not a date, you’re an accessory with feelings.
🕯️ [Listener Submission – Dramatic Read: “Eiffel Feelings”]
Toni (reading dramatically):
“I booked a room with two beds—
but dreamed of one.
He brought her croissants,
and I just got crumbs.”
Reese:
Poetry is pain, and I felt that in my passport.
🧳 [Wrap-Up]
Toni:
Rachel, you survived something that most people only suffer in dreams and Netflix nightmares.
Reese:
Next time someone invites you to Paris, ask for a manifest. And a seating chart.
Toni:
Join us next week on ZONED, where one guy bought his friend an engagement ring…
for her to give to someone else.
Reese:
That’s next-level. That’s diamond-tier delusion.
[Closing Jingle]
🎶 “You’re in the Zooooone… the Friend Zooooone…” 🎶
🎙️ ZONED – Episode 6: “She Used My Netflix, My Hulu… and My Heart”
[Opening Jingle]
Reese:
Welcome back to ZONED, where your love life gets unpacked like your emotional baggage—right here on-air.
Toni:
I’m Toni, your guide through the tragic theme park known as "romantic delusion."
Reese:
And I’m Reese, and today’s episode is about subscriptions... and submission. Emotionally, of course.
Toni:
We're calling this one: “She Used My Netflix, My Hulu… and My Heart.” If you’ve ever paid someone’s streaming bill and got ghosted, you’re in the right place.
📞 Caller: Desmond from Milwaukee (cool voice, slow regret)
Desmond:
So I met this girl, Bailey, at a Super Bowl party. She was funny, she liked the same bad horror movies I did, and I swear—when she said, “I’ve never seen Bird Box,” it felt like fate.
Toni:
Love at first blindfold. Go on.
Desmond:
She didn’t have Netflix, so I gave her my login. No big deal. Then she asked for Hulu. Then Max. Then Disney+. I said “sure” because we were texting every day, watching the same stuff. You know, vibing.
Reese:
Oh no. She was streaming your time and your hope.
Desmond:
One night, I text her like, “Hey, let’s watch The Menu tonight?” And she texts back, “Sorry, I’m watching it already... with my BOYFRIEND.” 😐
Toni:
STOP. Did she really capitalize boyfriend?
Desmond:
Oh yes. Like it was his government title.
Reese:
Sir. You got ZONED with surround sound.
🧠 [Segment: “The Signs Were Buffering”]
Toni:
Okay. When someone accepts your passwords like they're gifts from Zeus—but never calls you boo? That’s a red flag with a Wi-Fi symbol.
Reese:
She was literally building a streaming empire... off your love. That’s not a crush—that’s fraud.
Toni:
And anyone who casually mentions a “boyfriend” mid-stream is basically committing an emotional drive-by.
📞 [Mini Call-in – Listener Quickfire]
Caller: Aimee from Atlanta
He asked if I could “just stay logged in” to my Apple TV account... for him and his girlfriend.
Reese:
Apple TV? Ma’am, you’re not his friend, you’re his digital stepmom.
Toni:
Cancel. Him. Immediately.
🧾 [Segment: “Emotional Receipts”]
Reese:
Desmond, how long were you funding her binge sessions?
Desmond:
About 5 months. And yes, I got the Hulu with no ads. I was in love. I thought we were building a watchlist and a future.
Toni:
She built a queue. You built a shrine. There’s a difference.
🛑 [Wrap-Up]
Toni:
Desmond, from now on, if someone asks for your Netflix, ask for their intentions first.
Reese:
And set a two-factor authentication… on your heart.
Toni:
Join us next week on ZONED, where someone’s college bestie flew across the country just to say:
“You’re like a brother to me.”
Reese:
She bought a plane ticket to emotionally neuter someone.
We stan commitment to the zone.
[Closing Jingle]
🎶 “You’re in the Zooooone… the Friend Zooooone…” 🎶
EPISODE 1:
“He Said I Was Like a Sister. I’m an Only Child.”
Segment 1: Cold Open / Banter
HOST 1 (Reese):
“Welcome to Zoned—the only show where your heartbreak fuels our sarcasm and our caffeine addiction.”
HOST 2 (Toni):
“Also known as Friend Zone Anonymous. If you’ve ever baked someone a birthday cake, watched their cat for a week, and helped them move apartments—only to get a fist bump—you’re in the right place.”
HOST 1:
“Today’s theme: 'You’re Like Family… And I Mean That In the Most Unattractive Way Possible.'”
HOST 2:
“Caller one—Maria from St. Louis. Tell us how you got emotionally thrown off a bridge.”
Segment 2: Caller Story
CALLER (Maria):
“So… my best friend Nate and I have been tight for 7 years. Movie nights, FaceTime till 2 a.m., matching Halloween costumes—platonically, of course.”
HOST 1:
“You matched costumes… platonically?
CALLER (Maria):
“Yes! We were Scooby and Shaggy. I was Scooby. He said I bark too much. Anyway… last Valentine’s Day, he bought me roses. I was like, 'Okay, maybe he finally caught up to the love train.'”
HOST 2 (Toni):
“Oh, no. Not the florals of false hope.”
CALLER:
“Right?! I told him, ‘Hey, I’ve had feelings for a while.’ And he goes—dead serious—‘Maria, you’re like a sister to me.’”
HOST 1 (Reese):
(gasps) “Oh no he did not throw the 'sister' nuke.”
CALLER:
“I don’t even have siblings! I told him that. He said, ‘Well, if you did, you’d be her.’ I haven’t emotionally recovered since.”
HOST 2:
“I need his number. I just want to talk… through a bullhorn… while aggressively eating chips.”
HOST 1:
“Maria, on behalf of Zoned nation, we’re sending you a digital hug and a playlist called ‘For the Girl He Should’ve Loved.’”
CALLER:
“Thanks. And I hope he gets haunted by the ghost of unclaimed love forever.”
HOSTS:
“Amen.”
Segment 3: “Zoned or Not Zoned?” (Rapid Fire)
HOST 1:
“Alright, it’s time for Zoned or Not Zoned? where we read real situations and decide how deep in the pit they are.”
HOST 2:
“Ready? First one: ‘He sends me good morning texts every day. Calls me his best friend. Then tags his girlfriend in thirst traps.’”
HOST 1:
“Zoned. And possibly hexed.”
HOST 2:
“Next: ‘She lets me hold her hand in scary movies. Then tells me I remind her of her dog.’”
HOST 1:
“Deep in the kennel zone.”
HOST 2:
“Last one: ‘He introduced me to his mom as “the homie.”’”
HOST 1:
“You are in the Homie Zone™. Please exit through the gift shop.”
Segment 4: The Twist (Live Call Option)
HOST 2:
“Alright. It’s time for our wildcard moment—Maria agreed to let us call Nate and ask one question: Did he ever consider dating her?”
HOST 1:
“Let’s dial this potential emotional tornado.”
(Phone rings…)
NATE (confused):
“Hello?”
HOST 2:
“Hi Nate! You’re live on Zoned! Quick question—did you ever see Maria as more than a friend?”
NATE:
“Wait, what is this? Um… I… I don’t know. She’s amazing, but I just didn’t wanna lose her, you know?”
HOST 1:
“Oh, the classic ‘I was scared’ card.”
HOST 2:
“You might’ve already lost her, buddy. That sound you hear is the nation collectively side-eying you.”
Segment 5: Wrap Up
HOST 1:
“Today’s lesson: If someone tells you you’re like family—check if it’s royal blood or rejected stepsibling vibes.”
HOST 2:
“Maria, we adore you. Keep being Scooby. But maybe next time, pick someone who wants to match as Shaggy and hold your paw.”
HOST 1:
“Join us next week for ‘The Time I Bought Him a PS5 and He Bought His Ex Flowers.’ It gets petty.”
EPISODE 2:
“She Used My Shoulder to Cry About Her Date… That I Set Her Up With.”
Segment 1: Cold Open / Banter
HOST 1 (Reese):
“Welcome back to Zoned—where feelings go to get ignored and listeners come to feel seen.”
HOST 2 (Toni):
“Today’s episode is sponsored by tissues. For your nose, your tears, and the friend zone sob stories that keep rolling in like storm clouds.”
HOST 1:
“Our theme today: ‘I Helped Them Date Someone Else—Like a Fool.’”
HOST 2:
“Caller two is Jordan from Phoenix. Jordan, tell us what level of betrayal we’re dealing with.”
Segment 2: Caller Story
CALLER (Jordan):
“Okay, so I’ve been into this girl, Riley, for two years. She’s in my friend group, we talk every day, share memes, all that jazz. She says things like, ‘I don’t know what I’d do without you.’ So naturally… I’m delusional.”
HOST 1 (Reese):
“Oh no. If you’re the ‘I don’t know what I’d do without you’ guy, you’re also the ‘Let me borrow your hoodie’ guy.”
CALLER:
“Exactly. So Riley says she’s tired of the dating apps. I, being the certified clown that I am, say ‘Hey, I’ve got a buddy from college—super nice guy.’”
HOST 2 (Toni):
“Oh no you didn’t! You introduced competition?!”
CALLER:
“Yes. And it gets worse. They go out. They click. She thanks me. And a week later… she’s crying on my shoulder because he ghosted her.”
HOST 1:
“She cried… on you… about the man you summoned into her life?”
CALLER:
“Yes! Full sobs. Mascara on my sweater. And then she says, ‘Why can’t guys be more like you?’ I was THIS close to flipping the table.”
HOST 2:
“That line should be illegal in 42 states. You are not a human—you're an emotional support cardigan!”
CALLER:
“I honestly just want to vanish into the mist.”
Segment 3: Zoned or Not Zoned?
HOST 1:
“It’s time for Zoned or Not Zoned?—where we guess how friend-zoned you are based on just one sentence.”
HOST 2:
“First one: ‘She asked me to write her dating profile because “I know her best.”’”
HOST 1:
“Zoned so hard the algorithm filed a restraining order.”
HOST 2:
“Next: ‘He invited me to dinner. With his girlfriend. For my birthday.’”
HOST 1:
“Triple-zoned. That’s disrespect with a candle.”
HOST 2:
“Last one: ‘She said I’m the person she’ll marry if she’s still single at 40.’”
HOST 1:
“That's called a ‘Backup Plan Burrito’ and it’s expired.”
Segment 4: Twist Moment (Voicemail Confessional)
HOST 2:
“Okay, instead of a live call today, we have a voicemail Riley left… not for Jordan, but for her best friend. Spoiler: She didn’t know we’d get it.”
VOICEMAIL (RILEY):
“I know Jordan’s a good guy, but he’s like… dependable, not exciting, you know? I just wish I could find someone like him but, like, hotter? Is that bad?”
(long silence)
HOST 1:
“...I’m filing a complaint with the Department of Emotional Crimes.”
HOST 2:
“Jordan, if you’re listening—you deserve someone who wants you for more than your sturdy shoulders and reliable playlists.”
Segment 5: Wrap Up
HOST 1:
“Today’s takeaway: if you’re setting up your crush with other people, just go ahead and frame your own heartache like a diploma. You earned it.”
HOST 2:
“Jordan, we’re lighting a torch in your honor. And not the emotional kind. Like, an actual torch. Because your patience deserves a monument.”
HOST 1:
“Next week on Zoned: ‘I Babysat Her Kids. Then Got a Text That She’s Engaged—To the Baby Daddy.’ Buckle up.”
EPISODE 3:
“She Used My Poem… In Her Vows to Another Man.”
Segment 1: Cold Open / Banter
HOST 1 (Reese):
“Welcome back to Zoned—the only show where love is a battlefield, but all your weapons are made of Nerf.”
HOST 2 (Toni):
“And today’s episode is brought to you by: Why’d I Even Try, LLC. Makers of regret, despair, and occasional therapy bills.”
HOST 1:
“Today we’ve got an extra poetic tragedy for y’all. Grab your joe and your tissues, because this one hurts... but it rhymes.”
HOST 2:
“Meet Malik. A romantic. A writer. A human heartbreak burrito. Malik, let’s hear it.”
Segment 2: Caller Story
CALLER (Malik):
“So… I met Sarah in a poetry club. She liked my stuff. Said my words ‘moved her soul.’ We became close. I wrote a poem called ‘If Stars Were Made of Her’. I never said it was about her, but… it was.”
HOST 1 (Reese):
“First mistake: unspoken poetry love. That's like whispering into a void made of scented candles.”
CALLER:
“I told her one day, kinda casually, ‘That poem—you inspired it.’ She hugged me and said, ‘You’re so sweet.’ That’s it. Just—‘so sweet.’”
HOST 2 (Toni):
“Friend zone translation: ‘You’re the honey packet I never open.’”
CALLER:
“Fast forward. She gets engaged to this guy, Brandon. I get invited to the wedding.”
HOST 1:
“No. You did NOT go to that wedding.”
CALLER:
“I did. I’m weak. And then it happened. During the vows… she says, ‘There’s a poem I once read that always reminded me of Brandon…’ And then… she read mine.”
HOST 2:
“NOOOOOOOOO!”
CALLER:
“Changed a few words. Called it anonymous. But it was mine. My stars. My lines. For him.”
HOST 1:
“I’m putting my torch down and lighting a legal flame. This is theft. Of the soul!”
HOST 2:
“She didn’t just zone you. She plagiarized your pain and gift-wrapped it for her fiancé.”
CALLER:
“I just smiled through the reception and ate three pieces of cake out of spite.”
HOST 1:
“You’re stronger than me. I would've read a limerick over the mic titled ‘He’s Mid and That’s It.’”
Segment 3: Zoned or Not Zoned?
HOST 2:
“Time for Zoned or Not Zoned?—where your heartache becomes our quiz show.”
HOST 1:
“First: ‘He told me I was his emergency contact. For everything. But not his plus-one.’”
HOST 2:
“Zoned and buried under paperwork.”
HOST 1:
“Next: ‘She asked if she could use my bed for her date night while I was out of town.’”
HOST 2:
“You were zoned, evicted, and emotionally subletted.”
HOST 1:
“Last one: ‘He asked if I could help pick out a ring—for my old college roommate.’”
HOST 2:
“That is Grand Marshal of the Zoned Parade. Streamers included.”
Segment 4: The Twist (Live Fan Poem Dramatic Read)
HOST 1:
“Malik, you inspired us. We asked our listeners to send in Zoned Poems, and we got one from a 17-year-old girl named Zoe. Here’s an excerpt.”
HOST 2 (dramatically):
“He texts me at 2 a.m.—not with love, but because he’s bored.
I am his comfort food at midnight,
But never his dinner date at noon.”
HOST 1:
“She’s 17 and already wiser than us.”
HOST 2:
“Zoe, publish that. And bill the guy.”
Segment 5: Wrap Up
HOST 1:
“Today’s moral: If you write love poems for someone, trademark them. Or at least use a metaphor so confusing no one else can steal it.”
HOST 2:
“Malik, your pen is mighty, your love was pure, and your cake-eating rage was deeply relatable.”
HOST 1:
“Next week on Zoned: ‘He Told Me He’d Date Me... If He Wasn’t Already Dating My Sister.’ Oof. Bring popcorn.”
