Dear Teddy Advice Column Archive March 3, 2025 1. Dear Teddy, my hamster keeps staring at me like it knows something. Should I be worried? Dear Haunted Hamster Owner, AKA Rodent Whisperer of Doom: If your hamster suddenly starts speaking Latin or levitates, yes. Otherwise, it’s just judging you. Like all small creatures do. 2. The Accidental Arsonist Reader: Dear Teddy, I tried lighting a candle, but somehow my curtains caught fire. Am I cursed? Dear Firestarter Extraordinaire, AKA The Human Matchstick: No, just dangerously clumsy. Remove all flammable objects from your home and invest in LED candles. You’ve been warned. 3. The Talking Toaster Reader: Dear Teddy, my toaster says ‘good morning’ every time I make toast. Is it alive? Dear Bread Incinerator, AKA The Appliance Whisperer: Either it’s haunted, or you’re sleep-deprived. Try unplugging it. If it still talks, run. 4. The Pasta Prophecy Reader: Dear Teddy, I spilled spaghetti, and it formed what looked like a map...