Dear Teddy Advice Column

Dear Teddy

Advice Column 

Archive 

March 3, 2025

 1.Dear Teddy, my hamster keeps staring at me like it knows something. Should I be worried?

Dear Haunted Hamster Owner, AKA Rodent Whisperer of Doom: If your hamster suddenly starts speaking Latin or levitates, yes. Otherwise, it’s just judging you. Like all small creatures do.

2. The Accidental Arsonist

Reader: Dear Teddy, I tried lighting a candle, but somehow my curtains caught fire. Am I cursed?

Dear Firestarter Extraordinaire, AKA The Human Matchstick: No, just dangerously clumsy. Remove all flammable objects from your home and invest in LED candles. You’ve been warned.

3. The Talking Toaster

Reader: Dear Teddy, my toaster says ‘good morning’ every time I make toast. Is it alive?

Dear Bread Incinerator, AKA The Appliance Whisperer: Either it’s haunted, or you’re sleep-deprived. Try unplugging it. If it still talks, run.

4. The Pasta Prophecy

Reader: Dear Teddy, I spilled spaghetti, and it formed what looked like a map. Do I follow it?

Dear Sauce-Drenched Explorer, AKA The Carb Cartographer: If it leads to treasure, yes. If it leads to a dark alley, reconsider your life choices.

5. The Possessed Parrot

Reader: Dear Teddy, my parrot keeps saying ‘They’re watching you.’ Should I be concerned?

Dear Feathered Harbinger of Doom, AKA The Avian Alarm: Yes. Either it’s messing with you, or you should check your Wi-Fi cameras.

6. The Staring Stranger

Reader: Dear Teddy, the same person sits across from me on the bus every morning and just stares. Thoughts?

Dear Unintentional Horror Movie Star, AKA The Targeted Commuter: Wear sunglasses, stare back, or start loudly narrating their life. That’ll fix it.

7. The Vanishing Socks

Reader: Dear Teddy, I put socks in the dryer, and they disappear. Where do they go?

Dear Victim of the Sock Dimension, AKA The Barefoot Wonder: They’ve ascended to the Sock Realm. Don’t try to retrieve them. The Sock Gods demand sacrifice.

8. The Sinister Shadow

Reader: Dear Teddy, my shadow moves when I don’t. What do I do?

Dear Living in a Horror Film, AKA The Unintended Shadow Mage: Either you’re in a supernatural thriller, or you need more sleep. Try a nap first.

9. The Suspicious Cat

Reader: Dear Teddy, my cat disappears for hours and comes back smelling like expensive perfume. Is it living a double life?

Dear Feline Investigator, AKA The Owner of a Fancy Secret Agent: Your cat is either rich or cheating on you with another owner. Install a tiny spy camera on its collar.

10. The Laughing Doll

Reader: Dear Teddy, my doll laughs when no one touches it. What now?

Dear Toy Store Horror Victim, AKA The Future Paranormal Investigator: Throw it out. Then move. Just to be sure.

My Partner Speaks in Baby Talk… Constantly

Reader: Dear Teddy, my girlfriend talks in baby voice all the time. She calls breakfast ‘bweakfast,’ asks if I need a ‘wittle hug,’ and once told a waiter, ‘I want da wittle pancakes, pwease.’ I cannot do this anymore. How do I tell her without sounding like a villain?

Dear Accidental Babysitter, AKA The Suffering Adult: Unless you want to be trapped in a ‘wuvvy duvvy nightmare’ for eternity, it’s time for a serious talk. If she doesn’t drop the baby act, start responding in Shakespearean English and see how long she lasts.

He’s Way Too Close to His ‘Work Wife’

Reader: Dear Teddy, my boyfriend has a ‘work wife.’ He texts her all the time, brings her coffee, and once said, ‘We finish each other’s sentences!’ I’m uncomfortable, but he swears it’s harmless. Am I crazy?

Dear Unpaid Relationship Consultant, AKA The Real Wife Without a Contract: Harmless? He’s basically in a part-time marriage with a benefits package. Either set some boundaries or start referring to your male coworker as your ‘office soulmate’ and watch him panic.

She Makes TikToks About Our Relationship Fights

Reader: Dear Teddy, every time we argue, my girlfriend makes a TikTok about it. She never says my name, but it’s obvious. The last one was titled, ‘When He Thinks Fantasy Football is More Important Than Your Anniversary.’ Am I wrong for being mad?

Dear Unintended Internet Villain, AKA The Boyfriend Who Went Viral: Your relationship should not have a fan base. If she’s treating your problems like content, it’s time to log out—of both TikTok and the relationship.

My Boyfriend Has a ‘Man Cave’ and I’m Not Allowed In

Reader: Dear Teddy, my boyfriend has a ‘man cave’ that I am forbidden from entering. He says it’s his ‘sanctuary’ and that I ‘wouldn’t understand.’ Am I wrong for wanting to know what’s inside?

Dear Locked Out and Confused, AKA The Girlfriend Without Clearance: Unless he’s Batman or running a secret underground operation, you have every right to be suspicious. If it’s ‘just a chill spot,’ then what’s he hiding? A shrine to his high school football days? A room full of expired snacks? Demand entry or start calling your closet your ‘Queen’s Quarters’ and lock him out.

 My Partner Talks to Her Plants More Than Me

Reader: Dear Teddy, my girlfriend talks to her plants. A lot. She tells them ‘good morning,’ asks if they’re thirsty, and once said, ‘Look at you thriving, girl!’ while ignoring my actual presence. Should I be worried?

Dear Forgotten Human, AKA The Boyfriend vs. The Fern: You’ve been replaced by a houseplant. Unless you want to start competing with a ficus for affection, it’s time to remind her that you, too, require occasional watering (a.k.a. attention).